


The Merc with a Hello Kitty Mouth

by JoeyTebbie



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Developed Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Nothing Hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 12:16:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18194483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoeyTebbie/pseuds/JoeyTebbie
Summary: Hello Kitty has no mouth. Nor does Deadpool to the Avengers. He's a silent killer, fabulous like a poison dart frog and deadly like prostate cancer, except he doesn't kill anymore because love happened.





	The Merc with a Hello Kitty Mouth

"Can Wade come over? He really wants to see the guns Natasha brought back from that Russian camp we busted last week."

Tony watches as Peter scratches the back of his head, cheeks aflame with embarrassment. Ah, youth. What he'd pay to be at that age again when the simple notion of being in a relationship could make one blushes that much. Tony watches Peter, who has exactly zero wrinkle and definitely does not need glasses to read, and think to himself, _what a sweet, innocent baby angel. I want to key his fucking car._

Instead he remains expressionless and says, "Do whatever the hell you want, I'm not your dad."

"It's your tower though."

"That is true. What is also true is that by giving you this floor, I literally couldn't care less what you do on it. In it? On it. Except for when you open that bottle of 1926 Macallan, which you are obligated to let me know when you do. Wait, are you 21 yet? You know what, I'm just gonna bring that with me when I go." Tony coughed. "So-how are things between you and Wade? Good?"

"Oh my God!" Peter cries. "Why are you trying to Dad-talk me? You just said you are not my dad!"

"I know! I just feel like I have to! You know, with him being a trigger-happy asshole all day everyday, all the time and every time."

Peter huffs and frowns at him.

"He's not an asshole."

"I see you are not denying the trigger-happy part."

Peter huffs again. "Just, stop being mean to him. Sometimes when you don't think about what you say first, you say mean things. I don't want you two to fight again."

"What are you, his mom?"

"Mr. Stark!"

"Okay! Okay, okay, okay. Bring your boyfriend over, I won't crack one leprosy joke."

Peter glares at him and stomps away. A few minutes later, noises of someone ruffling through the overhead cabinets in the kitchen float in. Tony jumps up from the couch.

"Hey, what are you-put my Macallan down! Fine. Fine!"

 

 

 

 

"O-M-G, they are so sexy," Wade moans, running his fingers down the shiny barrel of the Kalashnikov assault rifle. "And you got the tripods too? Jesus Christ, I can shoot off right now."

Natasha hides her smirk behind her coffee mug. She isn't affected by the crude language, she's heard far worse, in this business of theirs. In fact, she finds his straightforward-ness comforting. Wade is a straightforward guy, in every sense of the word. He's straightforward with his physical deformity (cancer), straightforward in telling Tony he's a colossal dick (happened 20 minutes after meeting each other for the first time), and straightforward about what he does for a living (shooting people).

The only thing not straightforward about the man is his existence. It sounds contradictory but is no less true. They did a mandatory background check when the man started showing up around Peter, and came up with nothing. The name wasn't registered in all 218 countries and other self-governing entities in their database, and any form of ID, the guy doesn't have. When asked about it, Wade said, No, I don't have a mom/dad/bank account/health insurance; no, I didn't go to summer camp/college/military; yes, I do travel, sometimes I just concentrate really hard and I'm there. Or you know, hijacking stuff is always fun. 

Based on his unhealthy obsession with weaponry and what little information he gave them, they conclude A) Wade is a contract killer, and B) he's a total lunatic. 

"He's not crazy, it's just the things that come out of his mouth is so absurd that people automatically think it must either be lies or crazy talk," Peter once told Natasha. "One time he broke into my apartment and slept on my bathroom floor. When I found him, he said he'd forgotten to put the toothpaste lid back on the tube that morning and had to come do it, or else it'd be all messy and disgusting. That's how I found out he's been breaking into my apartment for weeks, without me noticing. We weren't even dating at that point, it's totally bananas." Natasha had stared as Peter laughed at the memory, wondering if he’s also bananas. "Of course, his whole arm is also-I mean, he's also badly injured, that's why he passed out in my bathroom-and later I found… umm… a whole bunch of bloody bandages under my bed, and it's totally more disgusting than messy toothpaste."

"Look at him fumble. Isn't my baby boy just the cutest?" Wade sighed dreamily behind the couch they were sitting on and startled Peter into a squeak. They poked their heads out of the back of the couch and saw Wade lying on the floor, hand on his heart, feigning lovestruck bliss.

That's another thing: he's affection towards Peter. He seizes every opportunity possible to show it in every way, shape or form, no matter how many times Peter's slapped his wandering hand away from his ass. Natasha doesn’t get it. It is uncommon for people like them to act that way, showing vulnerability. Either the world hasn’t shown the lovebirds how cruel it could be, or they think themselves invincible against whoever would try to use their relationship to cause harm. Which is naively stupid of them, Natasha thinks. Clint hides his wife and kids, Tony has paranoia and had to break off with Pepper, and Thor lost his mom and his brother. If not even God is invincible, what makes them think a no-name hitman and Spider-Man can do better? 

The path they chose is littered with death, yet Wade acts careless and is extremely open with his affection for Peter. Such as now, as a contract killer, stroking some heavy machinery rather inappropriately, the thing Wade thinks of to say is, "Don't tell Pete though, yeah? He doesn't like it when I play with murder weapons too much."

Natasha snorts. "You're kidding, right? He asked Stark to let you come inside and play with these specifically."

"What? I thought he just wanted me to come pick him up."

"Well."

"Well indeed. Someone is getting phenomenal blowjobs tonight," Wade waggles his eyebrows and bounces up. "I better go swallow a banana or two to warm up!" 

Natasha watches him runs away and thinks to herself, _maybe next time someone breaks into my house, I should also try not to shoot them immediately._

 

 

 

 

Bucky doesn't live in the Tower. He doesn't live in the Tower anymore. He lives in Brooklyn with Steve, on top of a bakery, so they wake up to the smell of fresh bread and pastry. He walks around in their studio department barefoot. He walks in the Tower with his combat boots on at all times.

They don't stay overnight at the Tower, not anymore. They had to, the first few years, but then Steve snapped and called everything 'bullshit'. The mouth on him. They still go to the Tower because Steve's team is there. When they do, Bucky likes to go to the 86 floor balcony, sits on one of those expensive-looking lawn chairs, and watches birds fly by.

Sometimes Wade comes over and sits with him.

"Hey man!" Wade greets him loudly as he pulls open the sliding doors to the balcony, like he always does.

Bucky says, "Hey."

"Listen to this," Wade says, plopping down on the lawn chair next to Bucky. "There I was, in a car chase on the freeway, trying to knock some fuckers' teeth out, when they knocked me off first and I was free-falling for a couple hundred feet, and I thought, great, aren’t there people who break their legs on purpose to grow taller? I've always wanted to be just a teeny bit taller too, and now's my chance since my knees are definitely breaking."

Bucky doesn't know why Wade would want that. Any taller, the man would hit his head on the moon if he trips.

"Well it wasn't my lucky day. A rusty old container truck drove pass and I plummeted clean through the top of it and broke some ribs instead. Pretty sure I didn't get larger abs from that, so that was all pain no gain.

"As I lay there, moaning in excruciating pain like being bear-trapped like a trapped bear in a bear trap, there was this crunch of something munching on leaves, like a goat, you know? But why would there be goats in a truck? That's ridiculous. And I opened my eyes and there weren't any goats, there was a koala on a tree, munching on those leaves, in the damn truck. That's ridiculous, right?"

Bucky agrees that's ridiculous.

"So at that point, I wasn't sure if I was just having a really intense dream, like the Life of Pi. Even if a koala is not the same as a tiger, I wouldn't want to fight it, mainly because it's super cute and super fluffy but also super stinky. But for some reason the koala decided to climb down the tree and climb me for a change of scenery. That's how I was in my full get-up, all messy and shit, with a koala on my arm, when my baby opened the door, and boy, let me tell you, his face was spectacular. He totally wanted to keep the koala, he kept touching its little toes, but he made me return it to the zoo in Bronx, where I think the truck was from."

"I would keep the koala," Bucky says after consideration.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Bucky says, and then he shakes his head and says, "Nah." Wade explodes with laughter.

"Right!? I mean, what do you feed a koala? Kibbles?"

“Wasn’t it eating leaves?”

“Oh! Yeah, right, right. I’m brain dead sometimes, maybe because I’m literally brain dead sometimes. My memory no good no mo’.”

Wade jumps up and waves goodbye at Bucky. He also takes the cushions on the lawn chair with him, saying they are ‘awesome pillow fort materials’. Moments later, Steve walks out to the balcony with an easy smile.

“Hey Buck.”

“Hey. All done?”

“Yeah. Ready to go?”

Bucky nods. “Can we Uber?”

“Woah, cool it with that modern tone,” Steve laughed. “Of course we can, but I thought you wanted to walk around a bit?”

Bucky shrugs. “Maybe we can walk around in the Bronx zoo.”

 

 

 

 

When you fall in love with someone, you do everything you can to make them happy, even if the things you have to do are outrageous, horrendous and scandalous, like, say, not to kill people. 

Wade’s always been the devoted one in the relationship.

He sticks to his resolution even after Weasel howled 'bros before hoes' for the thousandth time. He did, however, shove the barrel of his D-Eagle down Weasel's throat after the thousand-and-one time to shut him the fuck up. A man can only take so much.

“It’s for love. You wouldn’t understand,” Wade pulled the gun one inch out of Weasel’s gurgling throat before jamming it back down. “How’s your girlfriend Sally? Is she still blown-up and making that o-face?”

“Please don’t leave me, this joint will be closed in a week max if you stop bringing in the doe,” Weasel gestured wildly to Sister Margret’s downstairs, begging without any dignity. “I’ll deep throat your gun if it means you’ll stay. I’ll deep throat every gun you have.”

“Jeez, Weas, relax, God. I’m not a home wrecker. Think about poor Sally.” Wade pulled the gun out and wiped it on the front of Weasel’s shirt. “Just pass me all your non-lethal work, alright?” 

And that’s how Deadpool ended up not killing people for a living. 

His baby never asked him not to kill people, per se, but whenever he did, he always gets so upset that Wade wants to tear his own heart out with his bare hands and dice it into tiny cubes just to stop the pain, but he couldn’t do that because that’d be messy and bloody, and his baby can stand neither of those things. The last time he did something like that, Peter cried so much that the tears could fill out one of those giant Tree Top apple juice bottles in Costco. 

So he doesn’t kill people anymore, easy as that. Although not really, because now that he doesn’t kill people, people want to kill him. It’s like they never get the memo of he can’t kick it, damn it. Take the douchenozzle under his boot right now as a perfect example. 

“We do know, but we want you to suffer all the same,” the doochenozzle snarled from the floor of the lab they’re in. “Hail Hydra!”

“Is it worth it to have a bullet wound in the knee and limp for the rest of your life in exchange of my five minutes of pain?” Wade shows him his arm where it was grazed by bullets at several places, all healed without a trace.

“It is, and there’re countless like me that are ready to bring you more pain. Hail Hydra!”

“Everybody knows you only say that once per conversation. Using it more than once makes you sound like a Pokemon knock-off. If you wanna commit to that, you should’ve said ‘Hail Hydra, Hail Hydra, Hail Hydra, Hail Hydra!’” Wade puts pressure down on the Hydra agent’s injured knee and listens to him scream. “Now tell me the code to deactivate the fucking bomb, you fucking Nintendo reject, or I’ll shoot you in your Pokeballs!”

Wade is deactivating said bomb when the Avengers arrive. It seems they’ve finally gotten the tip that there’s a Hydra base right under their nose. Jesus, aren’t they slow and dense. That’s probably the reason why none of them figured out Wade is Deadpool. 

To be fair, he never lingers when they’re near, and never talks when they’re in earshot, but still, weren’t they supposed to be the most genius group of people in the world, like a bunch of macho Steve Jobs in armors and capes running around town, or some shit like that? Wade finishes up and calmly stands to watch them enter and survey the scene: chairs and desks upturned, injured goons here and there, sobbing Hydra agent on the floor. They spread out into a defensive position and watch him wearily, as they well should, because none of them know Wade is Deadpool. Idiots.

Except one person, of course. His baby is hanging in the back, fidgeting from side to side. He’s worrying, Wade can tell, but he has no reason to. Wade will never let their secret slip. It is way safer for people to think Peter has a nobody as a boyfriend rather than Deadpool, who no doubt will draw unwanted and dangerous attention to Peter. But if anybody tried to use Wade as leverage to threaten Spider-Man, he is more than capable of taking care of himself. It’s the best arrangement for them, and he doesn’t want to hear Peter say otherwise.

Wade pulls out a smoke grenade, rips out the pin and drops it on the floor unceremoniously. Before he reaches for the button on his teleportation belt, he can’t resist making heart hands at them that’s really only meant for his baby. He sees Peter pats his lips over his mask to blow him a tiny kiss, and feels butterflies the size of guinea pigs tumbling in his gut. He loves him so much. He wants to die and not die for him. He wants to cry and laugh at the same time. He wants to say, Peter, if you want me to not just never kill anyone but also anything ever again and go vegan altogether, I would. If you want me to study all there is to study about how to properly care for a koala just so you can pet its toes whenever you feel like it, I would. If you want me to carve out my brain to show you it’s full of thoughts of you, I would. 

He teleports back home to start on that pillow fort. His baby will be back soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, kudoing, bookmarking, and commenting. You brought me joy and I’m deeply grateful.


End file.
